Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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