My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
