sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
