so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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