very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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