I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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