You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
