some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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