I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
