Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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