happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
