when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Randomize
