I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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