I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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