I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
only if we run a train.
done.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize