Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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