I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
false alarm. still invincible.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
