the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
