I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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