My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
