On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
