Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I have fence marks all over my body
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
