I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
