i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
