Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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