I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
