hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
