How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
