Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize