she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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