I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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