I think scott just propositioned me for sex
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
