Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
