I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
