my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
