My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
