she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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