I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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