i really wish james franco would like my vagina
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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