so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
