I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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