I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
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