She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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