some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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