i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
is wine microwaveable?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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