I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
