I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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