So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
