to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
