Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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