and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
