How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
