I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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