Please, let me fuck your mom
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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