remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
