I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
