new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
