she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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