Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
