You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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